Honest Thoughts on Running 20 Miles

by Dani Fake Webb on September 20, 2011

If you’re reading this, you probably know I am training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9.
If you don’t know that, well, I am training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9.

Right now I am *supposed* to be planning a 20 mile running route.
Tomorrow I am *supposed* to run 20 miles.
For training.

TWENTY MILES!

That. Is. Insane.
I am reminding myself that I chose this.
I am reminding myself that I have trained for five months for this.
I am trying to trick myself into believing I am ready and I can do it.

But right now, I must speak some truth.

I. AM. SCARED.

I am not confident.
I am dreading this run.
I don’t know if I can do it.

Run 26.2 miles.
ME!
Ridiculous.

I am writing a bit tongue-in-cheek, yes.
But as I do tears are streaming down my face.

I’m scared.

Really, really scared.

I’ve put so much into this.
And my longest run (18 miles) was awful. What if 20 miles is too?
But then 16 was good. (16 rocked!)
Then 10 was hell on earth (or in Texas, where I ran the awful run).
There was a good 14-miler. But that was so long ago.

In my mind, so much is riding on tomorrow’s 20 mile run.
If I can’t do it….then what?

In the grand scheme of life, this is not a big deal.
I get that.
But in the grand metaphor that running is to life, it is a very Big Deal.

I’m not totally sure why I am writing this.
I suppose it is to get out the real stuff going on in me – the stuff that is a barrier to actually planning the run.
The stuff blocking my mind. Because….

…..Running is 90% mental.
My body is ready – pretty sure of that. (I think. Maybe. Oh crap.)
My mind – well, not so much.
That is the hardest part.
Because I really need tomorrow to go well.
And my mind is not in the game.
Maybe writing this will help.
Honesty usually does.

And if I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m scared.

That is all. Thanks for receiving my words.

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10 Years Ago…

by Dani Fake Webb on September 12, 2011

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.

Many things impacted and moved me as I remembered that awful day. One was Patti Digh’s powerful and beautiful post. One was CBS’s show, 9/11 Ten Years Later with Robert DiNiro. And one was an article by Michele Woodward.

It was Michele’s article that moved me to write this post.

My 9/11 Story

On the morning of September 11, I was sitting aboard a Boeing 767 jet. My destination that morning was Boston, with a stopover in Atlanta. As we were preparing to land in Atlanta, I became aware of the fact that we were circling, circling, circling. “Why are we circling the airport?,” I wondered. “Why is the pilot not talking to us?,” my fearful flyer self said, alarmed.

The circling went on for so long I had to fight panic (anyone who knows me knows I am not a good flyer). I was traveling with two colleagues, one of whom tried to distract me by engaging me in a conversation in Spanish. As I spoke broken Spanish with him, I knew something must be wrong for so much circling to be occurring. Weather? Deer on the runway? Landing gear that is stuck that they don’t want to tell us about?

No. It was worse. Much, much worse.

In hindsight I now know we were circling because we were caught in an aerial traffic jam resulting from the FAA’s grounding of all aircraft in US airspace. While I had been flying at 35,000 feet, two planes had crashed into buildings and all hell had broken loose.

I spent the next four days in Atlanta, amazed at the silence of no aircraft.
In these days, I booked countless flights home to Denver, all canceled.
Finally, on Friday, September 14, I was on one of the first flights to fly when airspace was opened.

I was terrified.

But my drive to get home to my community was more powerful than my fear.

One of the best moments of my life was arriving in Denver. I came up the escalator to find my on-again-off-again-love-him-hate-him-drives-me-crazy-adore-him-annoying-addictive-lovely friend waiting for me. We hugged, feeling the intensity of all that had occurred in America that week. It wasn’t a lover’s hug. It was an embrace of humanity, connection, and home.

10 years ago

Ten years ago my life was very, very different than it is now.
Ten years ago I was single. Today I am married.
Ten years ago was deeply into the church. Today I struggle with spiritual matters.
Ten years ago I had a best friend. Today she won’t speak to me.
Ten years ago I had an amazing community. Today I struggle to find connection.
Ten years ago I thought I had life figured out. Today I am in the reality of mid-life.
Ten years ago, I lived in a safe bubble. Today I am living the result of having taken the red pill.
Ten years ago, I never exercised. Today I am training for a marathon.
Ten years ago, I existed. Today, I live.

As I write that list, I am reminded that my past ten years have been hard. And I am keenly aware that life today is not what I want it to be.

But.

I am living and striving to create the life I am meant to live. I have that privilege.

Karen Ann Martin of American Flight 11 does not. Sandra W. Bradshaw of United Flight 93 does not. SGT Tamara C. Thurman, working at the Pentagon, does not. All of these people, do not. None of the people killed on that day have a chance to embrace life, in all its pain and glory.

In her article, Michele recounts her life then and now. She concludes by writing, “On September 11, 2001, three thousand people lost their lives. They had no chance to experience the last ten years of living. But we did. We still do. Don’t you think we owe it to them to embrace whatever it is that’s coming? And embrace it with love? With kindness? With creativity?”

Yes, Michele. Yes we do. Life is full of sorrow and pain, beauty and joy, love and hope. And we get to live it all.

The question is: Will you?

Until next time, may you love your life today.

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Traveling to a Thin Place – #Trust30

by Dani Fake Webb on June 4, 2011

June 4

Today’s post is for the fifth day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself.

Today’s prompt is from Chris Guillebeau:

If we live truly, we shall see truly. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

I am one of the “not everyone wants to travel the world.” Why isn’t important – it just is.

BUT.
But.

I would like to visit a “thin” place. Sedona. Iona. Anywhere where the dividing line between the holy and the ordinary is very thin. A place where the sense of the Divine is powerful, where the ordinary is not at all ordinary, and where the spiritual is closer.

For many years, I lived a very spiritual, church and Jesus-centered life.

Then I didn’t.

And I don’t.

After years of struggle and doubt and anger about it all, I now believe there is something bigger than me. And, as a part of my spiritual journey – even quest – I long to experience a place where many who have gone before me have said the veil is thin.

I want to experience what is there. I want to hear the message that might be there for me.

I want to go.

Getting there is another story. It will entail working hard and being smart with money. It will entail keeping the dream alive in my heart. And it will entail just doing it.

Just doing it.

Until next time, may you love your life today.

Dani-Signature

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A Strong Belief Not Shared by Many… #Trust30

by Dani Fake Webb on June 2, 2011

June 2

A Strong Belief Not Shared By Many….. #Trust3o

Today’s post is for the third day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself.

Today’s prompt is from Buster Benson:

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

This challenge has, well, challenged me. Standing firm on a belief I have that not many share (so I think, anyway) is vulnerable. And, it feels scary to admit…but isn’t that the very point of this exercise?

I have a strong belief – not shared by a LOT of people – that all people and situations, even the most evil, should be viewed with compassion. This includes the murderer, the sex offender, the scandalous politician, and dare I say, even Hitler. It includes companies we rally to hate, like United Airlines, Delta (most recent), TSA and WalMart. It includes Republicans, Democrats, homophobes and arrogant assholes.

Please hear this: this belief is NOT about pardoning crimes, offering leniency, or making business/personal choices “OK”. All actions, all choices, have consequences, and hideous actions deserve severe consequence. But in so doing, we do not need to lose sight of the basic humanity of the offender. I believe ALL people are capable of repentance and change.

~ Even the man who murdered one of my closest friends.
~ Even Rep. Weiner who is all over the news.
~ Even Adolf. Yes, even him.

It feels tough to write these words. But it is my truth. And I suppose that is my lesson in this #trust30 challenge.

Until next time, may you love your life today.

Dani-Signature

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Today in a Sentence. #Trust30

June 1, 2011

Tweet Wednesday, June 1, 2011 Today is the second day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Today’s prompt is from Liz Danico. “Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. […]

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Trust 30 – Ralph Waldo Emerson – Day 1

May 31, 2011

Tweet Tuesday, May 31, 2011 Today is the first day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Today’s prompt is from author Gwen Bell, and below is my response. I hope you enjoy. “You just discovered you have fifteen minutes […]

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Four Word Self Help by Patti Digh – A Review

September 30, 2010

Tweet People who live from their authentic self amaze me. People who stand boldly and vocally for what they believe in amaze me. People who can make me laugh amaze me. People who know how to make an idea come to fruition amaze me. Patti Digh, author of the award winning (and amazing) blog 37 […]

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Take the Inside Lane

September 23, 2010

Tweet A few weeks ago I began running with a group known as “Norm’s Maggots.” Norm is the owner of a local running store, Jus’ Running, and every Tuesday night for nearly twenty years, he has organized a track workout that has its participants loving and hating him: 1.5 mile warm up, 5 miles of […]

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I’m Such a Jerk. Are you?

September 1, 2010

Tweet So here’s the story. Last Sunday, I was traveling from Asheville to Washington, D.C. As always, I had to connect through Atlanta. Once in Atlanta, something beautiful happened: My flight was oversold by TEN! They were asking for volunteers to take a later flight. Volunteers were given a $400 travel voucher. I would have […]

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Four Ways to Manage Difficult People

August 25, 2010

Tweet You know what I mean. You are talking to someone, one on one or in a group, stranger or acquaintance, by choice or forced. And the conversation is awful. Totally one-sided. Or frighteningly negative. Or you’re getting advice you did not ask for. Or being totally offended. What you really want to do is […]

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