Honest Thoughts on Running 20 Miles

by Dani Fake Webb on September 20, 2011

If you’re reading this, you probably know I am training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9.
If you don’t know that, well, I am training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9.

Right now I am *supposed* to be planning a 20 mile running route.
Tomorrow I am *supposed* to run 20 miles.
For training.

TWENTY MILES!

That. Is. Insane.
I am reminding myself that I chose this.
I am reminding myself that I have trained for five months for this.
I am trying to trick myself into believing I am ready and I can do it.

But right now, I must speak some truth.

I. AM. SCARED.

I am not confident.
I am dreading this run.
I don’t know if I can do it.

Run 26.2 miles.
ME!
Ridiculous.

I am writing a bit tongue-in-cheek, yes.
But as I do tears are streaming down my face.

I’m scared.

Really, really scared.

I’ve put so much into this.
And my longest run (18 miles) was awful. What if 20 miles is too?
But then 16 was good. (16 rocked!)
Then 10 was hell on earth (or in Texas, where I ran the awful run).
There was a good 14-miler. But that was so long ago.

In my mind, so much is riding on tomorrow’s 20 mile run.
If I can’t do it….then what?

In the grand scheme of life, this is not a big deal.
I get that.
But in the grand metaphor that running is to life, it is a very Big Deal.

I’m not totally sure why I am writing this.
I suppose it is to get out the real stuff going on in me – the stuff that is a barrier to actually planning the run.
The stuff blocking my mind. Because….

…..Running is 90% mental.
My body is ready – pretty sure of that. (I think. Maybe. Oh crap.)
My mind – well, not so much.
That is the hardest part.
Because I really need tomorrow to go well.
And my mind is not in the game.
Maybe writing this will help.
Honesty usually does.

And if I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m scared.

That is all. Thanks for receiving my words.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

K December 3, 2011 at 8:46 am

You have left the entire world in suspense. Did you finish the marathon?

Annie Wolfe January 10, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Hey Dani,
Like always your words touched me deeply tonight. Thank you for this post, I mean that. I haven’t looked at your blog in months, and I’m glad to find it again. Your honesty, and capacity for being authentic inspires me to be who I am, in spite of my wearisome fear that seems to always be peering over my shoulder. It’s fabulous to be reminded that others are scared too, especially when it’s someone like you for whom I have such deep respect.

I doubt I’ll ever run a marathon, but my life feels like a giant race these days. I will remember what you wrote, and draw strength from it.

Love you lady,
Annie.

Allison November 25, 2012 at 4:13 am

Thank you for this. I have a 20 miles tomorrow and I am scared out of my mind.
Your post just reminded me that I am human and we are in this together.
Onward,
Allison

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